Courage...Bravery... Fearlessness...What is a one-word verb that means all of these things? My one-word verb theme for 2017 is still "Rejoice"--and I think implicit in that word is courage, and fearlessness. It's not a wimpy word by any stretch of the imagination. But I've started thinking about next year, and actually have been thinking about that fact that the year is half-way done. It feels good. It feels good to have lived this past half year, to have had the experiences I've had, and to have learned the things I've learned. It has not always been easy, and I have been terrifically imperfect, but it has been good and there has been a lot of rejoicing!
And to be honest, I've been doing quite well, actually, of late, with reaching my goals. Obviously not the goal to post every day for my 104 days of summer vacation. (But I've got 75 days left until my birthday and there is much that can be done in 75 days......and maybe, just maybe I can post for 75 days?). But other goals....I've been reaching. I've read lots of books lately. I've gotten a job, and have applied for two more. I've done lots of visits, and a few more hikes, and I've lost twelve pounds (for the third time this year, but that's okay!). I've gotten to know the Beehives in my ward, and I've supported Ryan in his calling. I actually enjoyed most of Young Women's Camp, and I certainly love the girls in our ward. I've rejoiced with others who have rejoiced and I've rejoiced for myself. That feels good.
But I wonder if I can add a little bit to my theme for this last half of the year. Can I add three short words? "Fear not and......Rejoice!" I've been thinking about what motivates me. And I've been thinking of how rejoicing and loving and courage are related. Of course, as I've said before I want to be motivated by love, and I find it really empowering to think about love being my only motive. But how much fear is still lurking in the corners of my mind and heart? How much of it is hanging out all over center stage? And how can I overcome that fear and be even braver this last half of the year.
"Perfect love casteth out all fear. " I want this to be one of the themes, running through my life. I want this to be one of the truths that courses through my veins.
In the month of June, my grandma died, my sons' art teacher was murdered, and my friend's baby was still-born. That's a lot of death in one month. Death does not usually play such a big part in my life, in a typical month. I have felt peace about my grandma, knowing that she knows me and loves me and remembers everything now. I have felt stunned and horrified by my sons' art teacher's tragic death, but have been able to help them feel some peace remembering her, and trying to help them make sense of things has been helpful and healing to me. Ry and I have had some really good talks about agency with William this month, and it has helped me remember that life is very short, agency is necessary, and we keep growing and learning as we forgive and let go of hurt.
But my friend's baby's death has been different. I think, in part, because I have not just felt sad, I have felt scared. She is just a few years older than me, with three amazing boys just like me. Her youngest boy actually has red hair too. She is a writer, and an English major, and a mother. Her husband is a good man who works hard and is the bishop of their ward. They have a beautiful old home that they love. I have often felt like she was the updated version of me. She is Charity 2.0. We are different, certainly, and yet we have more in common than I have with most other people I've ever met.
Her pregnancy was unplanned. That would never happen to me. Unless there was some divine intervention or some infidelity happening. But I want to have another baby. Of course. And then this happened and I felt scared.. I felt so afraid that if I got pregnant again my baby would die. And I felt afraid that I would not be okay if that happened. And so then I felt that I just would not want a baby. And for a day that worked. I felt great. That desire for another baby had left me and I was so happy to have it gone. I have so much in my life. I have so much I can do. With that desire gone I felt free to pursue anything. The default mode had been "Let's do all we can to try and have a baby." And now it was, "Let's not have another baby unless we are struck by lightning or someone hands us one."
And then the next day came and I felt anxiety. I felt so worried about each of my boys. I felt worried about my marriage. I felt worried that I was failing all of them and that I was aging too fast and so were they. I felt worried about the fourth of July, and the week ahead of me, and the rest of the summer. I felt horrible, and I couldn't figure out why.
Now I think it's because I let fear be my motivation. I let fear sneak in and change me. Fear about a baby dying grew and spiraled and I let fear tell me I needed to be perfect, and keep my kids young and safe, and keep our country sane, and keep my husband happy, and keep my siblings well, and keep my parents alive. And I knew all of that was impossible. The weight of the world was on my shoulders, and I felt crushed and claustrophobic.
Realizing that I was filled with fear instantly made me feel less scared. Once I name a bad feeling it takes away some of its scariness. In fact I ended up bearing my testimony in church last Sunday about overcoming fear through love-- and feeling great joy as we do this. If we don't have the bad, we can't know the good. So it's not like perfect love doesn't allow any fear in this world ever. Perfect love lives with fear, but doesn't let it stay, and grow roots and take over. Perfect love is able to cast it out, after feeling it, and naming it, and do so lovingly.
I am going to be brave and do things that scare me every day. I am going to face those fears. And now my default mode is, "I have an abundance of love and I can give it to everyone and everything in my life including myself. And if a baby ends up entering my life, I will have love and to spare for that baby. And if not, I will love myself compassionately and live with love and an unfulfilled desire and have great joy." It is a much longer default mode. But that is where I am now. And it feels good.
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