I wonder why it is that we want to be liked so much. I suppose back in the caveman days we sought to form alliances, and be liked by others so we could survive-- have other people who would help us hunt and fish and not die. If we were perceived as weird, or deviant and wore feathers in our ears or decided to become a vegetarian or something, then we might be shunned, and we would most likely die alone. And if our main goal in life after survival was to reproduce, then having at least one person like us would have been pretty critical.
But why today do we still care so much about what other people think of us? Why do we seek approval from our peers so often? How does it still make sense? Or is this one of those things-- like our love of carbs and sitting that used to help us survive and is now slowly killing us?
Ryan has to worry about whether or not his co-workers and managers and directors "like" him, and that he is perceived as competent enough to continue working and making a living. That makes sense. When I was teaching, I wanted to be liked by the students and my fellow teachers. I sought approval, because I needed their approval to keep my job. That makes sense too. I certainly want to get along with my neighbors, so that we can help each other in times of crisis-- have the kind of relationship that makes it easy to borrow a cup of sugar, or call when there's a strange man wandering the neighborhood asking for money. That makes sense.
And my way of living in the world is all defined by relationships. My relationships with my family and friends bring joy and light to my life every single day. Knowing how others are feeling is an important part of that. If Peter is sad, and won't talk about it, I work hard to find a way for him to start talking about it and then try and let him know how much I love him. If Ryan is frustrated I need to know so I can help him work it out and he can be his best for work and church and such. Relationships and loving people is the way to joy!!!!!
But I worry way too much about what my Facebook friends think of my posts. I worry too much about what my neighbors and ward members think of how we're dressed on Sunday, and how much we helped at the ward clean-up. And I worry too much about what everyone, including my family and loved ones think about my life and my ambitions and my success (or lack thereof).
There is a big difference between loving and serving others and seeking the approval of others. I love my kids, and I know they love me, and they like me too, but I'm going to do all I can to help them succeed, and be their best selves because I love them, not because I want them to like me and tell everyone what a great mom I am.
Yesterday I accidentally published an article on my Facebook page about the Women's March against Trump. It was written by an LDS woman from Provo who had participated in the march, and was uneasy about what a former Young Women's General President had said about those women marching. She described them as "unladylike" and lacking in virtue. I wanted to save the article to my timeline in order to read it later and think about it. But I shared it with "friends" not "only me". And two of my friends who are relatively liberal loved it. One of them even wrote me a really nice message via messenger to thank me for sharing the article. I appreciated her words, but I was really upset when I actually read the article-- realizing exactly what it said, and knowing that most of my friends would not like an article that spoke, even a bit negatively, about Sister Dalton.
I think she didn't fully understand the situation. I think that a lot of the women who marched probably agreed with her on most things 100%. I think that only a small percentage of the women used rude or crude words. And I think the term "ladylike" has little meaning these days. Should marching ladies behave differently from marching gentlemen? Should we not all act with virtue and dignity and honor--men and women alike? Sister Dalton is also the Young Women's leader who said that leggings and short skirts were not okay to wear to church. Today that is almost all that our young women in our ward wear. So maybe times have changed a bit. Also, she is not a general auxiliary leader anymore! She is not an apostle or a prophet. She is a really neat lady who has done really neat things, but she certainly does not speak for the church or for God!
So, I agreed with the sister from Provo who wrote the article. But I would not have shared it on purpose. What does that say about me? I think it says that I care too much about what people think. I love people and I don't want to hurt them, but I need to stop worrying about whether or not everyone in the world likes me. They won't. And they shouldn't. I don't think Trump or Putin would like me. I hope not. And the Savior was hated by many. The Pharisees and Saduccees hated him so much they killed him! So if I am trying to be like Jesus Christ, some will not like me and even hate me. Also, I realize that I need to be myself, not the other moms (see posts from yesterday), and not everyone sees the world the way I do. They will disagree with me. And that's okay too. Conflict does not mean the end of a world or a relationship.
Three things I'm taking from this experience:
1. I should read any article I post on Facebook all the way through.
2. I'm going to stop caring what others think about me, and just care about them. Loving people is not the same as winning any sort of popularity contest.
3. At the end of the day/life, what I think about myself, and what my Heavenly Father and my Savior think of me will matter, and I like myself and am going to be a lot more kind to Charity.
I can remember so many times in elementary school, and middle school, and high school feeling so aware of the fact that I was not one of the cool kids. I was not popular--at least not after 5th grade. But when I did the things that I liked, and was more true to myself I was happy and had friends that liked similar things, and I felt that I could reach out to other people because I was okay. That's when school was fun-- doing Literary Harvest, and National Honors Society, and Band. I was so proud to be one of nine members of the Young Democrats at Ogden High. Still am.
Love of self comes first, when we feel God's love for us. And that means we can be true to that self. We don't have to bend with every wind. We don't have to change and worry. We can know that we are okay and we can love people truly, sincerely and fully.
That's what I'm doing now. I'm not going to go out of my way to offend people. And I think generally I will avoid posting anything too controversial. But I am happy and grateful to be me.
No comments:
Post a Comment