No more! That's it! I'm done! A new month began two days ago, and I've already complained a lot, after resolving not to. I think I may at some point learn how not to complain, and I certainly would like to kick that habit, but for right now I'm going to focus on cutting out the other two bad "c" words: competing and comparing. I do it all the time! More than I drink diet coke!
Yesterday I went to a long doctor's visit. The doctor is very kind, and works in the same office as my doctor sister. They are friends, and they are both kind and brilliant doctors. I have, however, avoided my doctor for years, because I wanted to be at a healthy weight before I saw her again. I didn't want to go through the horrible stress and embarrassment of being weighed in the hallway, in front of the nurses station, and find that I weighed just as much or more than I did a year and a half ago. But I needed to go.
I lost the feeling in my face on Monday-- well, half of my face. The left half. It was really scary and I went to the ER with my mom and Ryan hurried home early, and it probably cost us about $1000 and we still don't know for sure what the heck was going on. But we did find out I wasn't having a stroke. And I did make it back to the doctor's as a result. It should not take something so scary for me to finally swallow my pride and do something I should have done long ago. But I compare myself to everyone. My sister probably weighs at least 120 pounds less than I do. That is not a happy thing to think about, for either of us. Most of my friends probably weight 50-70 pounds less than I do, while being pregnant! Also not a happy thought. And while they live at their ideal weights and grow beautiful healthy babies, they also write and publish poetry, teach college classes, create whole Dr. Seuss-themed dinners, and do their hair.
This is the kind of comparing I do-- or at least I did-- daily. And it made me miserable! I am not my friends. I am me. I have so many good things going for me and I have so many talents. I have three beautiful healthy and happy boys. I have a husband who loves me and is willing to work hard and commute long distances because he wants me to be happy. I have family and friends close by who love and care for me. I cannot and should not try and be like Molly, or Sunni, or Emily, Amber, or Gina, or any of the other amazing moms out there who are comparing themselves all the time to me! Enough is enough!
If the secret to joy is love, then that means loving myself. Loving myself means I don't try and become someone else, or do things to make myself feel bad. I will be inspired by these moms and others, but I will be me, and I will stop comparing. I already made a pact with Molly that we will no longer compare ourselves to each other. It feels really good.
Plus if I'm always feeling bad about myself, I end up giving up and don't even try to do the things I want to and know I should because "I'm never going to be as good as Madame Secretary (or whoever else I'm comparing myself to at the moment)!" I end up not doing a lot of the things I really want to do and would do if I wasn't wasting time and energy feeling bad.
I want the boys to take piano lessons. I want to publish a children's book. I want to adopt or have a job by the end of this year. I want to lose weight and hike mountains and see the world. I want to help my boys with their problems. I can and will do these things with love and some energy, because I'm not going to devote any more time to the bad c's! I want to do these things not to be better than the other moms, but because I really want to do these things. I know they will bring me and my family JOY!
Also, I realized two things in the shower last night. I would hate it if William decided he wanted to be exactly like his older brother. I would hate it if Peter decided he wanted to be like James. And although James loves and idolizes his older brothers right now, I would hate it if he lost his own personality and amazingly joyful outlook on life. My Father in Heaven must be sad when I forget who I am, and try and be like another one of His daughters. He has blessed me with my own unique set of talents, abilities, strengths, weaknesses and experiences. If I am not me, who will be!
Also, I was reminded of the Savior's words to His disciples when they were doing the comparing thing thousands of years ago. They were kind of quarreling about who would be "the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven". That's where the whole, "Inasmuch as ye have done it unto the least of these my brethren, ye have done it unto me." comes from. He taught them plainly that "He who is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven, let Him be thy servant." And "He who shall exhalt himself shall be abased, but he who shall abase himself shall be exhalted."
My value as a human being is not based on anything I do. It is based on being a human-- a child of God. And my value doesn't change. I am "less than the dust of the earth". But I am also of infinite worth. I want to do these good things to find joy. I want to spread that joy and learn how to love and add to God's joy. He loves me infinitely in spite of all my imperfections. He will not love me more when I overcome them, but He will rejoice with me when I do. He will rejoice when I become closer to my true and best self. Just as I do and will do with my own amazing and unique and imperfect boys.
It feels good to write this down. I hope I can keep writing daily, but if I don't, I'm not going to beat myself up. Just keep trying, right? And now I'm going to play Mario with James and make some mac and cheese.
No comments:
Post a Comment