Now I'm rested and I'm ready....

Three years ago Ryan gave me the Avett Brothers "The Carpenter" album for my birthday.  I knew I would love it.  I had been watching one of their music videos "Live and Die" on you-tube and npr's website for months-- playing the same song again and again.  It was getting a little ridiculous.  We didn't have Pandora, or Apple Music, or Spotify at the time.  Sure enough, I loved the CD. Still do. "Live and Die" has been my ring tone for years.  BUT I was even more amazed by the 6th song on the album, the less famous, and less toe-tapping tune called "February 7".  It was beautiful, and hopeful-- filled with images of waking, working, embracing reality, and being smart--which is kind of rare for a song.

I began listening to this song all the time, and I think the chorus is my favorite part: "There's no fortune at the end of a road that has no end...there's no falling back to sleep once you've wakened from the dream...now I'm rested and I'm ready to begin."  It's reminiscent of Bright Eyes' line, "I'd rather be working for a paycheck, than waiting to win the lottery, oh-oh, mmmmm." (Humming and ahhing and such.)

Today is February 7th, and the fact is, my life is not perfect. It is not a dream. It is very real. And I am grateful for reality today.  And that's saying something.  It is soooo grey and rainy today.  The snow is dirty and brown.  My boots are wet, and my hair is too.  I have only lost three of the 75 lbs I want to lose before I hike Ben Lomond on July 8th, and Donald Trump is president of the United States.  Really that last bit is all I need to say, right?

But it is real.  This is what I'm working with and honestly, I am so grateful to know that. Grateful to feel awake today. There's that point in the Hobbit, when Gandalf leaves--also in the Lord of the Rings series--and it's scary, because he's gone, and with Gandalf by your side, nothing can ever get too bad.  Or there are the many times when Aslan leaves in the Chronicles of Narnia.  The kind, helpful, powerful guide and mentor leaves and life becomes a lot more uncertain, and frightening, but that is when Frodo and Bilbo and little Lucy really show what they're made of.  That is when they figure out that they have got to work hard, and that even though they are small and not magical, they can do amazing things.

I have not had anyone magical leave me recently, but I did think last week that I was magically pregnant.  It was so foolish of me to think that.  But I did.  I felt like I really and truly was.  I was sick to my stomach, and aware of so many horrible smells in our home.  The smell of my favorite perfume made me nauseated.  I was exhausted too, which is not that unusual, but the combination of everything made me wonder enough to buy a pregnancy test. There was about a 0.003% chance that I could be, but there was still that chance.  The test came back negative, and I am most definitely not pregnant. Most likely the nausea was caused by the inversion.  (Last week the Wasatch Front endured the worst air quality in the country, which makes the whole thing even more horrible.)

But all of my friends are pregnant right now, and none of them planned their pregnancies.  And it's when you least expect it, that it happens, right? (That's never really been the case with us, but....)I realized then as I do now that it would not have been an ideal situation, really.  I'm taking blood-thinners, for goodness sakes! It would have been scary, and could have ended up really, really badly. And the air outside is unbreathable, what does that do to a growing fetus?! But I was thinking somewhat magically--dreaming, really, and in my dream it would have all worked out and I would have had healthy, happy, beautiful twin girls named Elizabeth Hope and Lucy Joy come this October. And I would have a very easy answer to my burning question, "What's Next?"

But today I have wakened from that dream.  It's definitely time to wake up. I am rested and I'm ready to... continue. Because I already answered that question.  I know what's next.  It's not simple, or perfect, or clear-cut.  It's not swaddled in pink muslin blankets.  The answer is: keep doing what you are doing.  Keep loving and learning and re-learning.  Keep forgiving and finding joy in every single imperfect, smoggy day.  Keep trying to bring that joy to your family and loved ones and everyone really.  Keep caring about and working hard at the things that really matter.  Keep reading books and scriptures.  Keep listening to music and walking in the mountains.  Keep praying and having the courage to follow promptings.  Keep fiercely loving and supporting your husband and your boys who are amazing and glorious. Keep helping teachers and students.  Keep doing science club.  Keep planning vacations.  Keep writing and keep drawing and get that book published.  Keep saving money and trying to eat healthy.  Keep trying to clean up the air and the water and the earth.  Keep signing those petitions.  Keep getting up when you fall down, and keep going. Keep reminding yourself that you don't need to start over every time you stumble.

And keep in mind that you are never really alone. Even when Gandalf and Aslan are "detained" you have the best darn dwarves in the world at your side, and Mr. Tumnus has your back, Sting is pretty awesome, and so is your elven cloak.

Plus those magical mentors always seem to come back to help when they are needed most.  There will be more magical, easy things in my life, I am sure.  I have witnessed countless miracles in just 37 short years. Who knows what the next 37 will bring?!

And when the wizard and the lion do return in the stories they are always so happy and proud to see just how much their little friends have grown. They can see how brave and wise and resourceful and kind and strong and loving the un-magical ones have become. "Hobbits really are amazing creatures," and all that.

I don't understand all the reasons for things, but I do know that because of the sadness I have felt with my own unfulfilled desires for a baby, I have so much more awareness of and empathy for women who can't have children, including my sweet cousins, my sister in law, and my own dear sister.  They have experienced heartache beyond anything I have-- wanting to have a child, and being unable to do that.  This is part of what I must keep remembering.

I truly do believe we have a perfectly loving Father in Heaven, who wants us to become like Him--to love perfectly and to have a fullness of JOY. I believe He does not leave us alone, and He does not want us to fail.

So here I am, awake, rested and ready to continue on my journey, to keep finding joy, to keep loving, to keep putting one hairy foot in front of the other.

And I do realize that writing a blogpost about reality using fantasy-book metaphors may have been a very bad idea.