The night after the full moon

Last night I drove up the canyon in the rain and fog and then snow and fog to try and catch a glimpse of the full Snow Moon.  I drove carefully up Trapper's Loop, and turned off on the road to SnowBasin.  I was up almost as high as I could go in elevation.  I was definitely above some of the clouds that I had just driven through.  But I did not see the moon.  I did not see much of anything but more snow and fog.  I was disappointed.  There was going to be a cool eclipse, and also there was a comet, with a greenish tail that crossed the sky last night.  And I could not see a single bit of it.  

I love full moons, and love learning their names.  I love going for drives on full moon nights with or without my bungalow boys.  I love the sense of renewal and rebirth.  I love the reassurance that comes from knowing that the moon will always get full again.  It's a great way to keep track of the time too.  I've been known to set my goals and challenges based on full moons.  (By the Strawberry Super Moon I want read three books and be 30 lbs lighter, etc.).

But last night I couldn't see it.  I came home, opened the door, and James came bounding up the stairs.  It was about 9:30, and he should have been asleep.  His brothers were.  Ryan had put him to bed an hour ago.  But he was ecstatic. 

"Mom!! I have a wiggly tooth!!"  

He sure did.  My baby boy has his first loose tooth.  I scooped him up in my arms and hugged him, and wiggled the tooth and told him I couldn't believe he was such a big boy.  He wanted to run up and tell dad right away. Ryan's response was much like mine.  

"You are my baby, how can you have a loose tooth?!" 

Because he's not a baby anymore.  But he is so adorable and he is pure joy.  He feels things so much-- his whole entire body was wriggling around with happiness.  

How could I be sad about not seeing a full moon when I have such a boy?  

And tonight it is clear. How many times have I been sad that I missed the full moon, when the almost full moon was perfectly visible, brightly shining down from a clear sky the very next night?  Probably a lot.  I don't want to stop looking for full moons, but I also want to start looking for the moon every night.  And there is so much I can pull from that, right?  The present-- this day is where and when I am-- so this day, or rather this night is when I will look for, and love and enjoy the moon. This night I will check on my biggish boys once more and kiss their cheeks and make sure they are warm enough.  

Science Fair With a Chance of Discovery

I have been thinking much more about science the past month than I usually do.  Actually this whole school year.  I love science, don't get me wrong.  I can't help but love it with my Bungalow Boys and their constant questions and love of discovery.  Science is life, right?  And Bill Nye, Wild Kratts, and Magic School Bus are three of our all time favorite shows.  So science is right up there on my top ten favorite things to think about.  But being in charge of the science club and the science fair has made me think a lot more about questions that could lead to science projects, or at least science club experiments that would not be too messy or crazy, but keep elementary school kids interested for a good hour.  

Today my boys worked on all of their science fair projects.  William was planning for weeks on doing a project about orcas-- a research style project answering a question about their speed, or age, or predatory skills.  Peter was planning for weeks on doing a slime-based project.  He was going to answer a question about the best recipe for slime, or how to make glow-in-the-dark slime or something.  And James wasn't sure, but thought it would have to do with paper airplanes.  Well today all of that changed.  Wild Kratts came out with two amazing new episodes this week.  One about narwhals and one about electric eels.  So this afternoon Peter decided to do his project on electric eels, and William chose the narwhals.  James decided after a major nerf gun battle this morning to do his on nerf gun darts-- which ones go the farthest.  

They worked hard.  We all worked hard today.  We did research, and drew pictures.  We tweaked our questions a bit, and we did lots of cutting and taping and writing.  And James and Ryan did lots of nerf gun-shooting, and photo-taking, and measuring.  And at the end of the day Peter and William not only have amazing project boards completed and beautiful and ready three days before they're due, they also both learned some amazing things too.  They actually discovered things through their research.  And that makes me really happy.  

William found out that narwhals tusks may actually be used for communication, not aggression! How cool is that?! They may convey information about the ocean water and habitat to the other narwhal by rubbing tusks.  They have rarely been seen using their tusks in aggressive behavior.  

And Peter found out that electric eels have three organs in their bodies that allow them to create low and high voltage shocks, and that they can actually create 860 volts of electricity!  A defibrillator usually has about 700 volts.  And he discovered his new favorite animal too.  

I love how excited they were doing the work of science.  And they really did a lot of it themselves.  

And James had a blast shooting nerf guns with his dad.  Not really surprised about that, but really happy that they made some great memories and measurements today.  

And James has his first loose tooth!!!! I am so excited for him, and kind of in denial at the same time!  

Thoreau and Otter Pops

I feel like life with my three boys swings back and forth from the highly serious, to the hilarious quickly and often.  Also, I feel that my boys zoom from emotion to emotion without looking back. They go from very sad or very angry to very happy and very content in a matter of moments.  And maybe this is true for girls too.  I don't know.  But I remember feeling emotions pretty deeply, and taking some time to move from one to the next.  Maybe I'm remembering things wrong.  Even today, I have to have time to process and work things out in my mind before I can transition to the next thing or next feeling.  

The past two days offer dozens of examples of this rapid, happy roller-coaster ride-- in which my boys rarely look back to see where they were a few moments ago.  

William called me from school today to say he was feeling sick.  He had a headache.  He had mentioned having a headache before school, and I had told him to take a warm bath, eat some breakfast and see how he was feeling.  He was feeling better, and went to school happily, but after a long five hours with a substitute teacher and a very noisy classroom his headache was back, apparently, and he was ready to come home.  It was not the greatest, most convenient time to come get him, but it was doable. 

I loaded up James who had been busy passing levels in Lexia-- his school online reading program, and we headed back to Greenwood.  When we got there I overheard William laughing in the sick room with a fellow classmate.  The secretaries both told me he seemed to be feeling better.  He definitely did.  But I had come all the way to get him, and I told him if he was sick I would take him home.  I have much less of a problem with kids missing school than most mothers do, I think.  I warned him though, that if he came home early, he might not be able to go to Clara's birthday party that night.  He still wanted to come home.  And he probably knew I would not make him miss his darling cousin's 2nd birthday party.  

I loaded him up, we picked up some happy meals on the way home (they have the new Lego Batman movie toys) and as he was happily munching his chicken nuggets he asked me, "Why do people have to pay to live in houses?"  

A wonderful question.  I explained that home materials cost money, and that having a nice place to live in a nice neighborhood is worth a lot to people.  He then followed up with multiple "what if"questions--trying to figure out a way to live in the forest, or on an island--away from people--without having to pay for a house.  He asked questions about what would happen if he went into nature, and just built his own home out of wood he found, and ate the food he grew himself,   and didn't use electricity, and found his own water.  

As a former English teacher I had to take advantage of this teaching moment. "You know, William, there was a man almost two hundred years ago who asked the same questions.  His name was Henry David Thoreau and he decided he wanted to really "live" and he made his own house with his own hands out in the woods by a pond called Walden Pond.  And he grew his own food, and tried to really do things on his own. And he learned so much from it. He stayed there for almost two years, I think, and..."

"Mom?"

"Yes, William?"

"Why do they call them Otter Pops?"

"Ummmmmm.  I don't know, buddy."  

He was done with the philosopher and on to new questions that I really can't answer.  I'll have to do some research.  

"Rejoice! Again, I say Rejoice!"

This is my theme for the year 2017.  Also this is part of a not-so-weird hymn. My good friend Molly and my good sister-in-law Melissa both told me that several of their planner-buddies (yes, those are real, and yes, there are many Facebook groups that are based on owning the same planners and having wonderful planning ideas, and I may or may not belong to two of them) had come up with a single significant word as a theme for the new year.  Some of the words they mentioned were "build", "love" "hope", "strength", "faith", "gratitude".  Some pretty great words I'd say.  I thought about it for several days.  I usually like to have my planner a few weeks before the new year, and always try and have my new year's resolutions written down and posted somewhere highly visible before January first.

But this year I didn't get my planner in the mail until the 5th-- and the first two weeks of the year were unusually busy.  I didn't get Christmas put away until Ryan finally started taking down the tree.  So it took a while for me to get planning-- putting birthday stickers on all our family birthdays, putting little cash symbol stickers on all of Ryan's paydays, putting temple symbols on all of our temple nights. It is a long process, but I really enjoy it.  I love calendars more than I should.  And stickers.

One night in the second week of January, I was sitting by the Christmas tree and was praying for guidance.  I needed to know what my focus should be-- as I have mentioned in previous blog posts.  And the word "Rejoice" came to me as clear and sweet as can be.  I have often felt like the ability to rejoice with those who rejoice is the sign of a truly amazing, charitable person.  When I am just as happy for my neighbor who goes to Puerto Rico for a month as I would be if it was me on that beach, than I have arrived.  And I haven't arrived quite yet.  And yes, my friend is in Puerto Rico with her family for a month.  And I am trying to be happy for her.  I will go someday.

In the meantime, my planner says it's time for me to get to sleep.  Ryan is trying to ignore the tapping of the keys on the keyboard-- and I really ought to change the laundry, and check on the boys one more time.  It's been so warm today-- 56 degrees this afternoon.  I keep waiting for water to start seeping into the house somewhere, or a roof to cave in.  It does feel good to not freeze, though, and the blue sky and clear air today have been absolutely beautiful! I will rejoice for our own little vacation from the bitter cold here at home.  A vacation from my problems! You bet I will!

Now I'm rested and I'm ready....

Three years ago Ryan gave me the Avett Brothers "The Carpenter" album for my birthday.  I knew I would love it.  I had been watching one of their music videos "Live and Die" on you-tube and npr's website for months-- playing the same song again and again.  It was getting a little ridiculous.  We didn't have Pandora, or Apple Music, or Spotify at the time.  Sure enough, I loved the CD. Still do. "Live and Die" has been my ring tone for years.  BUT I was even more amazed by the 6th song on the album, the less famous, and less toe-tapping tune called "February 7".  It was beautiful, and hopeful-- filled with images of waking, working, embracing reality, and being smart--which is kind of rare for a song.

I began listening to this song all the time, and I think the chorus is my favorite part: "There's no fortune at the end of a road that has no end...there's no falling back to sleep once you've wakened from the dream...now I'm rested and I'm ready to begin."  It's reminiscent of Bright Eyes' line, "I'd rather be working for a paycheck, than waiting to win the lottery, oh-oh, mmmmm." (Humming and ahhing and such.)

Today is February 7th, and the fact is, my life is not perfect. It is not a dream. It is very real. And I am grateful for reality today.  And that's saying something.  It is soooo grey and rainy today.  The snow is dirty and brown.  My boots are wet, and my hair is too.  I have only lost three of the 75 lbs I want to lose before I hike Ben Lomond on July 8th, and Donald Trump is president of the United States.  Really that last bit is all I need to say, right?

But it is real.  This is what I'm working with and honestly, I am so grateful to know that. Grateful to feel awake today. There's that point in the Hobbit, when Gandalf leaves--also in the Lord of the Rings series--and it's scary, because he's gone, and with Gandalf by your side, nothing can ever get too bad.  Or there are the many times when Aslan leaves in the Chronicles of Narnia.  The kind, helpful, powerful guide and mentor leaves and life becomes a lot more uncertain, and frightening, but that is when Frodo and Bilbo and little Lucy really show what they're made of.  That is when they figure out that they have got to work hard, and that even though they are small and not magical, they can do amazing things.

I have not had anyone magical leave me recently, but I did think last week that I was magically pregnant.  It was so foolish of me to think that.  But I did.  I felt like I really and truly was.  I was sick to my stomach, and aware of so many horrible smells in our home.  The smell of my favorite perfume made me nauseated.  I was exhausted too, which is not that unusual, but the combination of everything made me wonder enough to buy a pregnancy test. There was about a 0.003% chance that I could be, but there was still that chance.  The test came back negative, and I am most definitely not pregnant. Most likely the nausea was caused by the inversion.  (Last week the Wasatch Front endured the worst air quality in the country, which makes the whole thing even more horrible.)

But all of my friends are pregnant right now, and none of them planned their pregnancies.  And it's when you least expect it, that it happens, right? (That's never really been the case with us, but....)I realized then as I do now that it would not have been an ideal situation, really.  I'm taking blood-thinners, for goodness sakes! It would have been scary, and could have ended up really, really badly. And the air outside is unbreathable, what does that do to a growing fetus?! But I was thinking somewhat magically--dreaming, really, and in my dream it would have all worked out and I would have had healthy, happy, beautiful twin girls named Elizabeth Hope and Lucy Joy come this October. And I would have a very easy answer to my burning question, "What's Next?"

But today I have wakened from that dream.  It's definitely time to wake up. I am rested and I'm ready to... continue. Because I already answered that question.  I know what's next.  It's not simple, or perfect, or clear-cut.  It's not swaddled in pink muslin blankets.  The answer is: keep doing what you are doing.  Keep loving and learning and re-learning.  Keep forgiving and finding joy in every single imperfect, smoggy day.  Keep trying to bring that joy to your family and loved ones and everyone really.  Keep caring about and working hard at the things that really matter.  Keep reading books and scriptures.  Keep listening to music and walking in the mountains.  Keep praying and having the courage to follow promptings.  Keep fiercely loving and supporting your husband and your boys who are amazing and glorious. Keep helping teachers and students.  Keep doing science club.  Keep planning vacations.  Keep writing and keep drawing and get that book published.  Keep saving money and trying to eat healthy.  Keep trying to clean up the air and the water and the earth.  Keep signing those petitions.  Keep getting up when you fall down, and keep going. Keep reminding yourself that you don't need to start over every time you stumble.

And keep in mind that you are never really alone. Even when Gandalf and Aslan are "detained" you have the best darn dwarves in the world at your side, and Mr. Tumnus has your back, Sting is pretty awesome, and so is your elven cloak.

Plus those magical mentors always seem to come back to help when they are needed most.  There will be more magical, easy things in my life, I am sure.  I have witnessed countless miracles in just 37 short years. Who knows what the next 37 will bring?!

And when the wizard and the lion do return in the stories they are always so happy and proud to see just how much their little friends have grown. They can see how brave and wise and resourceful and kind and strong and loving the un-magical ones have become. "Hobbits really are amazing creatures," and all that.

I don't understand all the reasons for things, but I do know that because of the sadness I have felt with my own unfulfilled desires for a baby, I have so much more awareness of and empathy for women who can't have children, including my sweet cousins, my sister in law, and my own dear sister.  They have experienced heartache beyond anything I have-- wanting to have a child, and being unable to do that.  This is part of what I must keep remembering.

I truly do believe we have a perfectly loving Father in Heaven, who wants us to become like Him--to love perfectly and to have a fullness of JOY. I believe He does not leave us alone, and He does not want us to fail.

So here I am, awake, rested and ready to continue on my journey, to keep finding joy, to keep loving, to keep putting one hairy foot in front of the other.

And I do realize that writing a blogpost about reality using fantasy-book metaphors may have been a very bad idea.