"I am just getting memories of six..."

James said this yesterday, after William asked me if I remembered being six or seven.  I told him that I did-- that I had lots of great memories of being six and seven, learning to ride a bike, living in Detroit Michigan in a huge apartment building, and being home-schooled by my dad.  William said he remembered going to Sea World, and being in first grade, and living our old house.  And Peter remembered going to Oregon, and Disneyland, and Legoland.  They remembered lots about those years, not too long past.  But James simply said, "I remember five, but I am just getting memories of six."

I love the idea of this-- that we are just getting memories of the age we are now.  I am still just barely getting memories of age 37, and summer 2017, and life with my boys these ages, in this house this year.  I am just barely getting memories of being this way that I am now, and it is not entirely the same as I was yesterday.  I am just learning how to garden, and how to cook, and how to write.  I am just learning how to deal with death, and how to teach my children about it.  I am just getting memories of having a pre-teen, who has a crush on a girl who is in love with him!  I am just getting memories of these 104 days of summer vacation.

I felt a few times yesterday that I did not know what to do, or what to say--- to my kids, to my mom, to my friend, to my in-laws.  I felt unsure, because each situation and each day is a little bit different. When my in-laws called to say we wouldn't be able to camp in Idaho because of the rain, and they all had strep-throat, I did not know what to say, or how to adjust my thinking and plans for our trip.  When my mom said she was not doing well at all, and I felt myself flung back to a time when she was very sick and sad and I didn't know how to help her, I did not know what to do--because this time is different and I am 27 years older and so is she.

I am still getting understanding of 37.  I am grateful for the things I do know, and grateful to know that I have chosen to love myself and others, to live in the neighborhood of joy, and to be as mindful as I can---because then it doesn't matter what new situation comes.  I can get those memories with courage.