Sapphires and Diamonds

Ryan had his ten year anniversary at OC Tanner, and came home today with the most beautiful sapphire earrings and necklace I have ever seen.  I am so lucky to be married to such a good man.  A man who understands me sometimes better than I understand myself.  A man who told me to take a drive up the canyon or meditate or do whatever I needed to when he could see that I was frustrated and tired.  A man who will listen to me for hours, even when I say the same thing 50 million times. A man who loves our boys and is happy to wrestle them, and hug them, and nerf battle them, and play Zelda with them, and camp with them, and listen to them.  A man who commutes every day so we can live in the home I love, in the neighborhood I love, and send the boys to the school they love.  I love Ryan Kenneth Keyes.

"I am just getting memories of six..."

James said this yesterday, after William asked me if I remembered being six or seven.  I told him that I did-- that I had lots of great memories of being six and seven, learning to ride a bike, living in Detroit Michigan in a huge apartment building, and being home-schooled by my dad.  William said he remembered going to Sea World, and being in first grade, and living our old house.  And Peter remembered going to Oregon, and Disneyland, and Legoland.  They remembered lots about those years, not too long past.  But James simply said, "I remember five, but I am just getting memories of six."

I love the idea of this-- that we are just getting memories of the age we are now.  I am still just barely getting memories of age 37, and summer 2017, and life with my boys these ages, in this house this year.  I am just barely getting memories of being this way that I am now, and it is not entirely the same as I was yesterday.  I am just learning how to garden, and how to cook, and how to write.  I am just learning how to deal with death, and how to teach my children about it.  I am just getting memories of having a pre-teen, who has a crush on a girl who is in love with him!  I am just getting memories of these 104 days of summer vacation.

I felt a few times yesterday that I did not know what to do, or what to say--- to my kids, to my mom, to my friend, to my in-laws.  I felt unsure, because each situation and each day is a little bit different. When my in-laws called to say we wouldn't be able to camp in Idaho because of the rain, and they all had strep-throat, I did not know what to say, or how to adjust my thinking and plans for our trip.  When my mom said she was not doing well at all, and I felt myself flung back to a time when she was very sick and sad and I didn't know how to help her, I did not know what to do--because this time is different and I am 27 years older and so is she.

I am still getting understanding of 37.  I am grateful for the things I do know, and grateful to know that I have chosen to love myself and others, to live in the neighborhood of joy, and to be as mindful as I can---because then it doesn't matter what new situation comes.  I can get those memories with courage.

My 38th post! Whaaaaaat?!!!!!!!

As I was typing just now--trying to catch up on my blogging this morning (got to bed after midnight last night). James came up and snuggled into my just-made bed. He is lying on his favorite pillow in the house.  It has a picture of a bike and says, "Make Everyday an Adventure".  He loves it because it is so soft and he loves what it says too.  As he was lying there he just said, "I miss Grammy Rees.  I wish she was still alive."  I do too, and I love how he's able to talk about what he's feeling.  

Yesterday we began Rock Week.  Lots of joking about how "This week totally rocks!!"and pebbles, and stones...

One step at a time.  Folding laundry and then putting it away.  Working on one little corner of the garden and then the next one.  Reading one of the many books I own but haven't read and then the next, and the next.  James is reading a new book we got from my mom called The Egg Tree . He has decided to read one page of it a day--- there are a million words on each page.  And he is loving it.  So proud after he finishes each page.  

Reading my Quiet Thoughts book again  (the one from Onda Thorstensen) and then passing it along to my mom to read.  The things that stand out today are different from those that stood out a year ago, or 24 years ago.  

Ryan gave me a globe!!!! He's been searching at the D.I. for  months and he found one today and it's huge and it has a beautiful wooden stand it sits in, and it's in the piano room and it makes me feel like our home is complete.  Looking at it I just feel happy and loved and excited about our life.  

Peter had his final baseball game last night.  He got a hit, they lost to the Dodgers, and his coach, our friend, felt badly about pulling out the first string pitcher after one inning. But what do you do?  And Peter had so much fun and didn't want to go originally, per the norm.  So exciting.  Lots of bad calls from the ump.  So much base stealing and sliding.  Even a few fly balls caught!

Love is always an option.  Even if people don't love or like me.  Even if I feel that they are not being fair or kind, I can still choose to love them.  So empowering!!!

James just finished another page.  Wow.  And the next page has just pictures.  So happy to get to a big picture!

Happy 100th Birthday Joseph B. Wirthlin!

Today has been such a beautiful Sunday.  We were nine minutes late for nine o'clock church (other than Ryan who made it on time to his 6:30am meeting), but we made it before the sacrament, and we were all dressed, clean, and had our hair combed.  The boys are adorable.  And Ryan is so darn cute! I love to watch him sitting up there on the stand next to the bishop.  He smiles and winks at all of us, and occasionally gives James a thumbs up.

It's almost midnight--and I want to post this.  I have just a few words to write to help me remember today and then I can fill in the details later:  chicken ranch, frozen burritos, wagon rides, priesthood blessing, Joseph B. Wirthlin

Chicken Ranch and Frozen Burritos:  capitalized, as they should be...I started a delicious smelling chicken dinner in the crockpot with ranch dressing and lipton soup mix, and about the time it should have been done I started worrying that the chicken had gone bad.  I bought it on Memorial Day.  Before we even knew my grandma was very sick.  Seems like a month ago at least.  So our neighbors, who were getting some of our dinner because they just had a baby, ended up getting frozen burritos.  They were dressed up with some fancy cheese and tomatoes and avocados.  They were baked in the oven, not the microwave, but they were frozen burritos, none the less.  Good thing my sense of self is not based on my cooking abilities!!!

Priesthood Blessing:  do my research, listen to the Spirit, go to the temple, keep working on my goals, and find direction as I go.

Best Job Ever!

I have been reminded several times today that my boys are indeed Masters of Joy.  From the time they wake up, until the time they jump into their beds, they live far more in the present-- in that moment--than I do, even when I'm quietly sitting and purposefully, mindfully, focusing on a single breath.  Certainly they think about things in the past and future, and they imagine things, and they can feel a wide range of emotions, and even have empathy and understand what other people might be feeling.  But they are so fully present in now--they are all about today.  Maybe that's one reason why hours and days and years seem longer when you are young. And I know that mindfulness, along with gratitude and love are the secrets to joy.  Right? Can I get my diploma yet?

I saw that joy in them today at Menchies.  We went there with my dad (hi dad!), my sister, and my brother.  They have been to a frozen yogurt self-serve joints before, but not this particular one, and it did look rather inviting, with it's bright colors, clean counters and floors, right in the middle of downtown Ogden.  And we were with Grampy, for goodness sake.  And we were getting frozen yogurt-- which is a lot like ice-cream, but a little healthier.  What could be better?  In fact, William was so excited to be there he exclaimed to the solitary worker (a petite, soft-spoken girl of less than twenty), "You have the best job ever!"  They sampled the flavors.  They got lots of their favorite ones, with toppings.  They colored the little coloring pages with the yogurt-haired Menchies mascot.  They hung up their pictures, and used the restroom, and drew on the chalk-board too.  They ate most of their yogurts and loved most of the flavors.  They hugged their aunt and uncle and Grampy.  They were joyful. And I was too, being there and watching them.  I love seeing their joy.  And I loved my frozen yogurt too.

James showed his mastery of joy earlier in the day at his friend Heath's birthday party.  He couldn't wait to give him his Target dollar-bins gift.  He loved the card I picked out, even though it was kind of lame and part of a bargain birthday card pack.  He shouted to his friend Henry and couldn't believe how lucky that they were both at the party!  He loved the pokemon ball rice krispy treat that Heath's mom had made and asked for one more when it was time to leave so that I could try it.  "It is soooo yummy, Mom.  You've got to try it!"  He had a total blast, fully immersed in birthday fun with school friends he hasn't seen for a whole super-long (kind of sad) first week of summer.

Master William showed his mindful joyfulness while playing with Truman this afternoon.  They grabbed a bunch of sea creatures from the bathtub, and brought them outside where I watched as they made the sea creatures thoroughly battle the dinosaurs that have been immersed in the cat-urine turtle-shaped sandbox since last summer.  It was inevitable that the whales would beat even the mighty T-rex.  The dinosaurs just didn't have much fight left in them.  And not a scrap of dignity left.  They did wash them in the hose first though, before touching them too much.  It was a hilarious and joyful hour, and we were all a little sad when Truman had to go home because his grandma had come to visit his new baby sister (born yesterday and so far without a name).

And today Peter read me all the information he could find in his new comprehensive Star Wars book (thanks Grampy) about light-sabers.  It was pretty interesting.  Especially the parts about crystals and how they sense if you are light side or dark side.  The saber chooses the color.  I asked Peter what color my light saber would be.  "Let's see.  Loving, kind, caring....I'd say green."  Awwwww....He said his would be gold, or yellow, and said he'd explain later what that would say about him.  But being with him and feeling his excitement about light-sabers was exciting, and interesting, and we were at least half an hour sitting on the love seat while his brothers were pushing a wagon up and down the sidewalk screaming.  It wasn't until James came in with a scraped bottom that we put down the book, with the promise that he could read me all about Star Wars vehicles tomorrow.

We visited my mom this evening after seeing an amazing home movie that Chris made with the boys during their uncle camp on Thursday. It was called Whale Defenders and I loved everything about it.  Chris is a great uncle and the boys love him.  In fact, James said that after me and Ryan, he loves Chris the most.  William was not happy about this, and James said he loved William a lot too, but the point is, they love Chris and he is really good with them.  The other point (?) is that my mom is still very, very sad-- understandably.  And being around her I get just a taste of the depth of her sadness, (being a betazoid it's inevitable).  That was hard.  I left her house feeling sad.  I felt sad about my grandma dying, and sad that my mom was so sad.  I felt regret that I didn't know what to say, or how to make things better.  I felt a desire to wave a wand and make all my relationships loving and nourishing and perfect so that I could avoid regret in the future.

When we got back home James gave me a big hug before we got out of the car, and I asked him if he could tell I was sad.  He said no, that I looked like I was crying a little, but as he put it, "I thought it was tears of joy because of the baby."  He thought I was crying because I was so happy about our neighbors' new baby girl who I got to hold for a full twenty minutes earlier in the afternoon.  He can't wait to see her, and wanted to know what she can do.  "Can she walk, or crawl?  Can she just sit up?"

When I explained that I was a little sad about grammy, but very happy for our neighbors, and the baby can't really do much of anything, he simply said, "That would be hard!"  And he was off to brush his teeth and jump into bed with his koala, his baby jaguar, a new pokemon bracelet from Heath's party, and just his shorts, because his shirt makes him too warm.  He loves being without a shirt.

I love these boys and my sweet husband so much.  I love being alive, and love today, and tonight.  I am definitely still learning, and being mindful and having joy doesn't mean you don't experience sadness.  You do, and may experience it more deeply, but you don't have to live in the neighborhood of sadness.  You can just visit.  I want to live in the neighborhood of joy.

And even though it would be pretty amazing to work at Menchies, I can honestly say I think I have the best job ever!

104 Days of Summer Vacation

I just love Phineas and Ferb, but I sometimes feel its a little unfair that they are always living out the dream in summer-time.  They never go to school.  There are a few Christmas specials, but I think only one of them actually takes place in winter-- during Christmas vacation.  I remember when we went to Disneyland five years ago (really?!!) and we saw the Phineas and Ferb characters riding onto Main Street on a float that was playing their theme song, and William had on his Perry the Platypus hat and they gave him a thumbs up, and I started to cry just a little because I was so happy to be there and was kind of starstruck too.  Great day.....

Well today I am going to start my 104 Days of Summer Vacation.  The last day of school for my boys was a week ago-- a hot and glorious field-day-end to a wonderful year.  I started this whole quest for Joy when they all began school in the fall, and just as it always does the school year flew by.  I learned a lot, and so did they.  They all liked school, and their teachers, and their friends.  They all did really well.  James is reading like a pro now.  William has mastered most of his times tables.  Peter is doing long division, and multiplying fractions.  They have had unique and wonderful experiences in their unique and wonderful (and sometimes chaotic) charter school.  I have still cried a few times dropping them off in the mornings, and wondered how on earth they got soooooo huge and old.  Peter and William have both grown about three inches this year.  But it has been very good, and I have learned about life and joy-- possibly haven't earned my master's degree in joy quite yet, but definitely got a good start on the dissertation, and I'll be defending it soon...

Which brings us to today.  Why am I starting my summer today?  My grandma died a week and a day ago.  She died the day James had his kindergarten graduation.  James said it was the best day ever, but also really sad.  He told his class before the awards and "diplomas" were handed out, that one of his grandmas died that morning.  His teacher didn't quite know how to react.  He has been sad.  All the boys have been sad.  I have been very sad.  It is strange to not go help her in the mornings.  I feel like I'm forgetting to do something every day.  I miss her more than I ever thought I would.  And it just seems wrong to have something so sad happen at the start of summer vacation.

But..... I have learned a lot about joy this year.  I have so much joy in my life, because I have love.  I have love and gratitude for my boys, my husband, my home, my parents, my siblings, my neighbors, my ward, my Savior, and my Father in Heaven.

And I am going to take massive, not passive action to reach my goals by the end of this year.  That's going to mean a lot of really hard, really good work. I'm going to be doing lots of walks, and hikes, and eating healthy, and drinking water, and saving money, and reading books, and illustrating my books.  And part of that goal-reaching will be posting on my blog each day for the 104 days of summer vacation which ends right before my birthday--after the boys' summer vacation is over, and school has been in session for a over a month.  Because in the real world no one actually gets that much summer vacation.  I think my boys have like 76 days or something.  Not fair Phineas and Ferb.  But I still love you.