"Ring out the false, ring in the true. The larger heart, the kindlier hand"

"Just listen to the words while we sing, and think about this new year-- and yes, this hymn is a weird one."

Our bishop gave us this counsel today from the pulpit, before we began singing the closing hymn, on this first Sunday--this first day of 2017.  New Year's Day is not the easiest time to switch to 9 o'clock church, after the entire family has stayed up too late celebrating. But we were there on time, all five of us lined up on our favorite pew in the chapel, hair-combed, faces washed, church clothes tidy, with clean socks and matching shoes on. If the boys hadn't brushed out teeth, I couldn't tell.

Ring Out Wild Bells is a strange, melancholy melody for a mormon hymn.  The words (which were written by Tennyson) that I remember most include uncharacteristically (for a hymn) sad, dark  and cold imagery, "The year is dying, let it die.  Ring out wild bells and let him die."  It is the solitary New Year's hymn in the book, right after the 14 beloved, joyful Christmas hymns. But today as we were singing it, after the bishop's wise words, some different and very hopeful words stood out to me: "The larger heart, the kindlier hand.  Ring out the false, ring in the true."

These words could be my prayer every single day of the year, but especially on this the first day of a new and much welcomed year.  I want my heart to be enlarged, to be big enough to love all who cross my path.  A heart large enough to love the driver who cuts me off,  the Facebook friend who reposts the hurtful political memes, and even the wretched incoming president of our nation.  I want to be able to love my own family and kinsfolk with larger and more genuine love even when I am most annoyed and frustrated by them.

And a kindlier hand.  What a beautiful plea! The idea of my hands being kinder-- or kindlier-- not just my intentions, or my thoughts, but my actual deeds-- makes me think about the fact that actions not only speak louder than words, they make us who we are.  We become ourselves through our actions.  I wish this year for my hands to be busy every day with kindness.  I tell my children dozens of times a day that I love them, but what do I do to show that? Do I really listen when they're telling me about their days or their pokemon? Do I take time to read with them, to watch a cartoon with them, to play in the snow with them? I will.  I want to.  I want my hands to be weary at the end of the day from serving with kindliness!

So we seek to"ring out the false, ring in the true."  It really comes down to sincerity. How real am I? How concerned am I about appearances? I already pray every day for help to be more genuine.  But I work too hard trying to make people believe that I am kind and good.  To put my best foot forward and to not let others see my "striving foot".  The reality is that I am imperfectly trying every hour of every day.  I am imperfectly working towards my best self.  And I am unable to do any of it without my Savior.  If I genuinely and sincerely believe Christ, then I can be unafraid to be true.  I can pray that with the new year with true can be rung in, the false rung out-- and wrung out of me.  I hope to be more honest, genuine, real, true, and to allow others to see my strivings and my successes.

I keep thinking of the scripture, "All are fallen and are lost."  We are all broken.  But the great hope and joy and peace of the gospel is that Christ can fix us and make us better than we were before.  Recognizing my brokenness and imperfection and my absolute need for my Savior's healing hands allows me to partake of that joy in the midst of sorrow.

It has been a day. A full day. I am happy that we are in a new year.  I am happy to be stretched and to have the change to enlarge my heart and kindlier up my hands.  We have lots of family here right now, and I need to return to them.  Our home is full and loud and smells like roast and cookies and people.  The once clean house is a mess.  The beautifully prepared food is nearly gone.  The decorations are mussed and misplaced.  But people are here and they are happy to be here.  They do not want to leave our warm, comfortable, messy home.  I think they feel welcomed and loved, and this makes me happy.  I will sleep very well tonight.  Church, and new sunbeams (speaking of messy and loud and happy), and cooking a big full meal for all of Ryan's family--17 people--and presents.

I took a ride with the girls today--Callie and Tenley.  We went away to get out of the house while the other adults were napping and the boys were playing with legos behind closed doors-- no girls aloud. We went looking for deer.  We did not see any, other than some wire deer and a big inflatable one on various neighborhood lawns, but we had a lovely ride.  It was snowing lightly.  The girls were happy and talkative.  We listened to music from Curious George.  They like me and I like them.  And they like going for rides which my boys don't always like anymore.

Tomorrow the boys go back to school.  I am not ready for it.  We have had our share of sickness during this Christmas break, and although they had over two weeks, I want to keep them home with me forever.  But they need to get back.  And so it was to bed tonight-- earlier than they've been to bed all break (other than the days poor William and James were so sick they slept most of the day away and all of the night).  I need to think about clean clothes, and finding their boots and hats and gloves and back packs.  And wasn't there a library book that needs to go back?  Not ready for any of it, but so grateful for these weeks together.  I love my family.  I love spending Christmas all together the five of us in our cozy home.  I loved just being here together.  Perhaps the sicknesses--no, certainly the sicknesses kept us from doing some of the holiday activities we would have otherwise done.  But maybe that is not a bad thing since we had so much time just being together.

And now my oldest son is 10.  How can that be?! He looks and acts even older.  He loves having his birthday around Christmas time.  Which is a good thing, since it is.  He had a wonderful birthday building legos and making red velvet cake.  I'm so glad he is my boy and my first.  He gave a talk today in sacrament meeting-- as a ten year-old.  He wasn't the youth speaker and it wasn't the primary program.  He did so well.  He was confident and funny and sweet and sincere.  I was so proud and so was Ryan.  So many compliments from ward-members.  And he chose to speak about and sing his favorite hymn-- which is not Ring Out Wild Bells, but is Angels We Have Heard On High.  Hearing him speak and then sitting next to him as he sang the Glorias in the chorus, my heart burst with joy and love and pride.  He is growing into an amazing young man.  He already is one.  I hope I tell him that enough.

And so the year begins with so much learned in a day and a million things more to learn every day.  Welcome 2017! I truly and sincerely hope to be able to write every day this year.  I want to record what my boys and Ryan and I are doing.  I want to record the things I learn about life and specifically about love and joy.  My bungalow boys are true masters of joy! I found out today that my friend Sunni (who always seems to be five steps ahead of me) is expecting her fourth boy in June.  When I saw that on Facebook I burst into tears.  I don't often burst into tears, but I did-- I burst.  I love her and her family and she has wonderful boys.  But that is what I want more than anything. More children.  I love my children so much it hurts and I want to add to our family.  I'm not done.  And so we will try.  I suppose truly though, what I want more than anything is for my family (of 5 or 6 or more) to be happy, nay to be joyful.  I want them to believe Christ too, when He says He can save them and make them whole.  I want them to feel that hope and joy every day.  And I want them to love and be loved.  That is what I want more than anything.  And if we can make our family a family of 6 or 7 this year-- all the better.

"Ring out the darkness in the land.  Ring happy bells across the snow."  And it is snowing again and will be all week.  I love it.